re : LE SKIN xD

moi je dirais juste que le forum est mort , mais vous dites ce que vous voulez

Toi au moins, t'es plus intelligente que les autres...ON FAIT CE QU'ON VEUT !
Et c'est pas vous qui alelz gacher mon noel est-ce clair ?

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A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting read to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.

He thought to himself, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing.

He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.

"Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."

"Dancing? I'm not dancing!" the armless man replied bitterly...
"My asshole itches, and I can't scratch it!"


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Tommy is a man who's always at work and does'nt see his wife much, but then one day Tommy dies and goes to heaven, when he walks around he sees
like a million clocks hanging everywhere. Tommy doesn't understand, so he asks
around. Somebody says the following: These are the clocks of the people who are still alive down there, and when somebody has sex the clock moves one "tick" further. Tommy gets it and he starts looking around, after an hour of looking around he goes back to the man and tells him that he can't find the clock of his wife. The man asks the wifes name. Tommy says it's sandy. Then the man laughs. Tommy asks: why are you laughing? The man says: Sandy's clock is hanging in the kitchen, we use it as a Fan!


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A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.

Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.

After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how was it?”

The woman says, “You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf.”


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A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" the frustrated student blurted out.

"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.

A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"

The professor stared at the student without saying a word.

"Physics saves lives," he finally continued, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school."


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A frenchman walks into a bar, smiles at the landlord and orders a glass of wine. The frenchie looks about and sees a camel sitting at the bar as well.
The frenchie asks the landlord, "What is that dirty camel doing in here?"

The Landlord pulls a cricket bat out from behind the bar hits the camel in the head and the camel gives the landlord oral pleasure.

The Landlord looks at the frenchie and says "You want a go?" to which the frenchie replies: "Oui, but there is no need to hit me over the head."


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Did you hear about the guy from Arkansas that went up north on vacation? Being a regular churchgoer, Sunday morning found him visiting in a nice big church in Maine. His first impression was of how quiet and subdued the service was.
At one point during the sermon, the preacher said something the Arkansan really agreed with. "Amen!" agreed the visitor loudly.

As the entire church turned to stare, the usher ran up to the Arkansan. "Shhhhhh....." he said sternly. "You can't speak out like that here."

"But I've got religion," the visitor explained.

"Fine!" said the usher. "But you didn't get it here."


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An old man was walking in the forest when he heard by his feet a very weak voice.
He bent down to look and saw that the voice came from a little frog:
"I'm a beautiful, erotic and sensual princess, skilled in all the carnal pleasures of love.
An evil queen, envious of my charms, turned me into a frog, but if you kiss me I will once again be a fair maiden,
and I will provide you with all the joys and delights of my voluptuous temperament and my ardent lust.
The old man picked up the little frog and put her into his pocket. Bewildered, the frog looked out and asked:
"What, you're not going to kiss me?" "Nope," replied the old man.
"At my age it's more fun to have a talking frog than a sex maniac


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school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!


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A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his tunnel of turds. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and tells her what to do.

The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams, "DAMN!"

"What's the matter?" asked the wife, "Did I hurt you?"

"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."


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A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and
said, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to
lather his face while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most
beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to
shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some
time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."
The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you
the difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."


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This horse on a farm goes up to the cow and goes, "I have a bigger dick than you" then he beats him up.
The horse then goes up to a sheep and goes "I have a bigger dick than you" and beats him up too.
He then goes up to the female cat and says "I have a bigger dick than you" and the cat replies "I don’t have a dick" then she beats up the horse.
The moral of the story is, no matter how big the dick, the pussy can always take it.


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This bloke was getting married. On the day of the wedding, he said to his parrot, "Listen, I know you're always in that bloody window. My wife and I are coming back here to pack after the wedding, and no matter what you hear, do not turn around or I'll break your damned neck! We want some privacy!"
The parrot reluctantly agrees. The happy couple then come back from the wedding and start packing, but they can't get the suitcase closed.
"Get on top," says the bloke, "That'll do it."
She gives it a shot, but despite much effort and grunting, it doesn't close.
The wife then says "Look, you get on top, that'll be better."
They heave away again, with no luck.
Finally, the bloke says "I tell you what, let's both get on top: that should fix it."
On hearing this, the parrot immediately turns around and says "Neck or no neck, this I've got to see."


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A father brings along his little daughter to the barber while he gets his haircut. The little girl is watching the barber work while she eats her Hostess snack cake.
Over time she gets closer and closer to the barber’s chair where the barber is giving her dad a trim.
The barber says to the girl "You’re going to get hair on your twinkie."
To which the girl replies, "Yeah, and I’m gonna get tits, too."


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There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered the hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner.
After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.

"It's o.k.," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."

So after a wild night of sex the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it's okay.

The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil - "The hat check girl puts out!"


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Jack was single. He lived in a small flat, which he shared with a pet parrot and a pit bull terrier named spike. When Jack's dishwashing machine broke down, he asked his neighbor Pet, the repairman to come and fix it. “The terrier won't harm you,” said Jack before leaving, "But whatever you do, NEVER SPEAK TO THE PARROT"

Soon after, the parrot started on Pet: "I heard your wife shout at you the other day, you are such a wimp" Pet ignored it and kept working. "You couldn't change your flat tire the other day" said the parrot, “so how are you going to fix a dishwashing machine?"
Fed up, Pet replied, "Okay. How would I expect you, with the brain the size of a bean to talk any sense?"
That’s it! Said the parrot, Spike, Get him!


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A baby was born that was so advanced that he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the doctor.

"Are you my doctor?", he asked.

"Yes, I am."

The baby said, "Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth."

He looked at his mother and asked, "Are you my mother?"

"Yes, I am," she said.

"Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born," he said.

He then looked at his father and asked, "Are you my father?"

"Yes, I am," his father answered.

The baby motioned him to come closer, then poked him on the forehead with his index finger 5 times, saying, "I want you to know that THAT HURTS!"


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Sneezing
A man is sitting next to a woman on a jet that is about to take off. Suddenly, the man sneezes. He unzips his pants and wipes himself off with his handkerchief. He zips up, and continues reading his magazine.
The woman cannot believe what she has just seen. Then he sneezes again, unzips, and wipes himself off again with the handkerchief.

The woman says, "Excuse me, sir, but that's disgusting and rude! If you do it again, I'm going to call the flight attendant and have you removed from this plane."

He says, "I'm so sorry that I've offended you. I have this very rare, embarrassing physical handicap that causes me to orgasm every time I sneeze."

The woman, disarmed by the man's honesty, and somewhat embarrassed by her own callousness, says with sympathy, "Oh you poor man, what are you taking for it?"

"Pepper," he answers.


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The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. "What would you like to do next?" he asked.
"I wanna get weighed," she said.
So the young man took her over to the weight guesser. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.
Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
"I wanna get weighed," she said.
"I really latched onto a square one tonight," thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
The girl's room mate was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
She replied, "Oh, Wisa... it was wousy!"


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